Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

This kid will have a bright future.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.