Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.