1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Challenge accepted.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions