Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

What’s the point buying it then?

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

The little toadstool has spoken.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company