Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.