[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
wtf management?!
Love this guy
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
