Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List