Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?