[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”TitaniumToplass”;s:5:”image”;s:66:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1616803443/photobomb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”319661105335115779″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:100:”Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


the human got a new pair of glasses. and to make sure they look good. they
put them on me. this is not a valid
experiment. everything looks good on me


Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?


Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.


If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.


God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in


[God creating the frog]
“How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?”