[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
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Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
This is sending me to another galaxy
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials