Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.