Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re