Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular