Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Childbirth is so beautiful

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir