Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

(more comics:

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”