Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.