Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Tammy is short for Tamuel

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us