Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Are we there yet?…

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.