[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
