Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%