Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

spot the difference

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park