Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth