Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Muppet Screams

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.