[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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twitter users today:
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.