Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks