Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?