@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

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@momjeansplease

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

@Marlebean

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

@Sal0630

Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.

@lizetagge

The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…

@dumbbeezie

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

@BiIIMurray

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

@MichaelTrying

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

@billwurtz

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now