1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet