Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)
Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn’t tear away ..
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain