@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

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@ddsmidt

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

@Papa_Mex

Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

@Mikecanrant

I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.

@cjcapbt

I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn’t tear away ..

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service