1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.


Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen


Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back


I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.


I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn’t tear away ..


Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?


TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service