@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@Jerrypleasure

Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.

*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*

ME: I also have big news.

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@Brianhopecomedy

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

@GrahamKritzer

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

@sublyfe2015

My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.

@jergarl

I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.