1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

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Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.


For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…


Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.


The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…


Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year


I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.


The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*


pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now