1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.