Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

uh oh

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

So that’s what we looked like?

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals