Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Life with a cat in one tweet

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.