Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

🤫

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas