Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey