Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

This was a bad idea all around

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?