Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better luck next time champ

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

idk what this dog had been going through but same

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Has science gone too far?

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Bread puns are on the rise!

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.