Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

philosophical skeletons be like

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

The Compass

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance