Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

handsome & gretel

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…