[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.