Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

My dad is at it again

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Nice try, NASA

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’