Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

seriously you guys

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

The Struggle

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan