[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
You Might Also Like
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
bro what is going on at twitter
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.