Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Bruh PLEASE

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’