Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Breaking news:

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.