Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

GM✌🏻

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look