Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Bill is short for Billiam

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.