Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.