[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”