Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair