Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

These work great until they don’t.