Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.