Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do