Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

they finally got him. they got macavity

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.