Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?