[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Wise advice
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.