Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

rich people when they have to pay taxes

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.