Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

🐕🍷

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.