[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.