Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day