Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

😭😭😭😭

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.