Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I’m so full I could puke a horse

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

how it started vs how it ended

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

become ungovernable

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️