Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

time for some seasonal decor

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance