Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?