Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.