Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Cheers Twitter.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”