Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

🤣

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Already got one

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.