Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

ㅤ

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch