Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.