[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Well, that should do it
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I think I’ll stand
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.