Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

😭😭😭

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”