Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Actually cracking up @ this

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back