[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night