Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

Love is in the air fryer.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1186382507840815110/pu/vid/480x360/lMBnG1-oClMvFGM_.mp4?tag=10

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

i want the dreams to chase me for once

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head