Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.