Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.