Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

getting groceries

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell