Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

The cycle continues

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high