[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
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Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.