Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.