Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

#have a #great #PancakeDay